WHAT IS COMMITMENT?

The question of when a relationship is committed is a source of much confusion and debate. We live in a time when the marriage rate is going down, the co-habitation rate is going up, and the majority of first-born children are now born to unmarried parents.

In this article I hope to shed some light on this question to facilitate your work with couples and individuals challenged by different perceptions of the status of their relationships.

COMMITMENT VS. PROMISE

I recently had a conversation with a woman who told me she had just broken off a "committed" relationship. A few questions later I learned that she had been dating this person for a year, they were not living together, and the reason she broke it off is that he "cheated."

We talked about pre-committed vs. committed relationships, and she agreed that it was a pre-committed relationship, but insisted that they had made a "commitment" to each other.

OK, things are getting clearer. On the one hand is the status of the relationship- pre-committed vs. committed, and on the other hand are commitments made within the relationship. Macro vs. micro. Two different things, right?

In our conversation, it occurred to me to make a distinction between a "Commitment" vs. a "Promise." They made a promise to each other within the context of a relationship that was not committed. That distinction seemed to help her make more sense of things.

When I asked the RCI coaches for feedback on the "commitment vs. promise" distinction, most felt that it was just semantics and there is not much of a difference. The general consensus was that when you make a promise you are making a commitment.

Well, I agree that it is a question of semantics, and here is my definition of terms:

PROMISE: Verbally stated future intention to perform a

specific act.

- I promise to pick up your dry cleaning and not forget this time

- I promise to be exclusive in our relationship

COMMITMENT:

Both a FACT demonstrated by behavior, and an ATTITUDE consisting of thoughts and beliefs.

- I am committed to keeping my promises

- I am committed to our relationship

In short, a promise is something you say, and a commitment is something you do. A promise is situation-specific. A commitment is contextual.

A promise is a small commitment. If a potential partner doesn't keep promises, I would question their ability to keep commitments, as they are definitely related.

CONFUSION ABOUT COMMITMENT

Whether or not you agree with my semantics, the distinction I made between a commitment and a promise was helpful for the above conversation.

The larger picture though, is that I see a lot of confusion about the status of today's relationships. Some years ago when I coined the term "pre-commitment" to describe couples that were exclusive but not yet committed, it was a helpful distinction, but the question remains- "What is commitment?"

When you are married, it is clear you are in a committed relationship. Your commitment is a legal contract and a publicly witnessed FACT. However, it is common for couples in trouble for one or both partners to have an uncommitted ATTITUDE.

I have talked with many unmarried people, as the woman above, who have described themselves in "committed relationships." They clearly have the attitude, but often have nothing but verbal promises (and sometimes not even that!) to demonstrate that the relationship is committed.

IN MY OPINION, YOU ARE -NOT- IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP IF:

1. Your partner is not aware your relationship is committed
2. You are wondering if this relationship is committed
3. You and your partner have differences of opinion about the status of your relationship
4. Your family and friends have different perceptions about the status of your relationship
5. You and your partner have not acted to explicitly formalize your commitment in some way
6. You are relying on verbal promises without a significant track record of them being kept

A commitment is explicit and unambiguous. A commitment is a formal event of some kind between two people. A commitment is something you DO over time. A real commitment is usually legally enforceable and there are consequences for breaking it.

And, for a relationship to be truly committed, there are no exits- mentally, emotionally, or physically. When the going gets rough, you make it work.

CONTINUUM OF COMMITMENT

Commitment is not a light switch that goes from "off" to "on." When building a relationship with someone, the level of commitment gradually increases.

Then you have all the shades of gray. living together, dating exclusively for more than a year, even engaged to be married, that might look and feel like commitment, but is it really?

FACT VS. ATTITUDE

Commitment in a relationship is complicated in that it takes two people, and it requires an alignment of FACT (events, actions) and ATTITUDE (thoughts, beliefs) for both of them.

It is common to be committed in fact (e.g. "married") but not in attitude (e.g. "I'm not sure this is the right relationship for me").

It is also common to be pre-committed in fact (e.g. dating exclusively) and committed in attitude (e.g. "This is 'The One!' ").

In my work with couples I have found that the most important variable determining their future success is their level of commitment to the relationship.

In my experience, when couples are committed in fact, but not in attitude, their prognosis is poor.

Then, there are the pre-committed couples that generally fall into two categories-

UNCONSCIOUS- typically following the "mini-marriage" model of trying the relationship out, acting committed without actually making the commitment. A disconnect of fact and attitude.

CONSCIOUS- aware that they are not yet committed, usually have commitment as a goal, asking themselves "Is this the right relationship for me? Should I make a commitment?" An alignment of fact and attitude.

CONCLUSION

So, when is a relationship committed?

-- When there is an alignment of fact and attitude.

What creates the "fact" of commitment?

I propose these three criterion:

• CRITERIA #1: Promises made to each other about the permanent nature of the relationship that are kept
• CRITERIA #2: Explicit, formal, public declaration
• CRITERIA #3: Unambiguous to partners and others

In today's world, if all three of the above are met, I would say it is a committed relationship, whether legally married or not.

I sincerely hope this article helps address the common questions about commitment that arise in relationship coaching. There are no pat answers or prescriptions, but it is my hope that these ideas and concepts will help you have productive conversations with your clients that are caught in the gray areas to support them to make effective relationship choices.

2005 by Relationship Coaching Institute / All rights reserved
http://www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com

David Steele is a California-based Marriage and Family Therapist and Relationship Coach, founder and CEO of Relationship Coaching Institute. He is the author of "Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World" and innovative relationship coaching programs for singles and couples, as well as practice development programs and books for private practice professionals.

For more information about David and his programs please visit http://www.davidsteeleonline.com

¶ 2:07 PM 0 comments

That's a good question. It used to be claimed the main cause of impotence was psychological reasons. This was accepted medical fact for years until Viagra came along followed by cialis and levitra. As impotence affects around 1 in 5 men over the course of their life the answer is probably not. That's a relief isn't it? Unfortunately virtually all men know that feeling of Oh god it's not going to happen tonight. That's normal and usually not a problem the next time.

Impotence is the repeated failure to get or maintain an erection firm enough for sexual intercourse Now its recognised there are many reasons for impotence. They can be roughly divided into medical, physical, psychological and lifestyle issues.

Medical problems include illnesses such as diabetes, kidney disease, high blood pressure, heart disease and vascular disease (furring of the arteries). Damage to the nerves from operations such as transurethral resection of the prostate, prostatectomy, abdominal operations, neurological disease and trauma also cause erectile dysfunction.

Prescription drugs including beta-blockers, anti depressants and anti histamines have side effects, one of which is erectile dysfunction.

Being overweight, a smoker and unfit can cause problems, as can stress, anxiety, tiredness and working too many hours. Finally true psychological reasons such as depression can cause erectile dysfunction.

Thats quite a list but the good news is the list of treatments is almost as long! There are a variety of treatments but the commonest are Viagra, Cialis and Levitra.

They all work by relaxing the blood vessels of the penis, which allows more blood to flow in. As an erection is caused by blood flowing into and staying inside the penis this leads to a better, stronger erection. You still need to get in the mood as well but when you do most men (and just as importantly their wives, girlfriends, boyfriends or partners) find the results very satisfactory.

Things you can do to combat erectile dysfunction include stopping smoking, losing weight, exercising a bit more, getting more sleep if possible and learning to relax a bit. Easier said than done I know but as well as reducing your erectile dysfunction problem, youll feel much better and more confident. Its amazing how just feeling good about yourself seems to enhance your life ten fold. The glass is half full and those silver linings are present in abundance.

Andy Duncan is a doctor and freelance medical writer. For more information http://www.pain-rehab.co.uk/impotence.htm

¶ 7:50 AM 0 comments

There you are, flipping through the radio stations yet again, looking for SOMETHING, ANYTHING, worth listening to. Maybe youll find a song here or there that you like, or a talk show on a subject you are interested in. Then its time to flip the stations again. What I need, you think to yourself, is my own personal radio station.

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Jeff Mills is a former Youth Pastor of 9 years, who is now a full time internet information entrepreneur, author, speaker, sales coach, and also an avid traveler. Jeff has passionately pursued learning everything he can about podcasts and has just released his breakthrough E-book that every Podcast Enthusiast should own. Visit http://www.podcastsecretsrevealed.com immediately. You can find Jeffs podcast feed at: http://feeds.feedburner.com/jeffmillspodcast

¶ 5:58 AM 0 comments